


A Long Way From Budapest

by mwrites



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 13:52:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18621949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mwrites/pseuds/mwrites
Summary: ENDGAME SPOILERSClint musing on his relationship to Natasha.





	A Long Way From Budapest

Clint’s whole life has been secrets on top of secrets, so he’s familiar with the relief and stress that go hand-in-hand when he reads someone else in on one of them. He’s unfamiliar with the relief outweighing the stress.But as he introduces his family to his team, he feels some kind of tension just… go away. Laura notices, but says nothing. Nat notices, and her face doesn’t change, but her eyes sparkle. Clint realizes why, later. They’re a team. Natasha might be his partner, Laura might be his wife, but the Avengers are his team. Your team needs to know everything in order to have your back.

For all the lightness he feels, there’s still some awkwardness. Laura senses Clint’s confusion and says quietly, “They thought if it was anyone, it would be Nat.”

Clint closes his eyes to consider, but can’t imagine it. He and Natasha are dual swords, two blades working as one weapon. They are half of a whole, but they aren’t the same kind of halves of a whole the way Peggy and Steve were. It’s more like Tony and his suit—Tony Stark is Iron Man is Tony Stark, two facets of the same personality, inseparable. 

It was that day in Budapest when he finally saw her in person, rather than through a scope or on a feed or in a photo, that he realized what had been missing. Natasha didn’t notice it the same way he did because she was missing so much, she had no idea what shape the missing pieces could take.

Convincing her to return with him, and returning to SHIELD with a live Black Widow was a pain in the ass, but it was worth it to be working with Natasha. Clint hadn’t realized that there didn’t have to be a weaker half of a partnership, there didn’t need to be a leader and a subordinate in a duo. He and Nat were equals. They could work alone, but were better together. 

After Thanos, Clint barely feels human anymore. He eats and sleeps the bare minimum he needs to survive. He’s on a mission. An unsanctioned mission, but who is left to sanction it? Everyone good is gone, gone, gone. 

_Does that mean you’re not good, if you’re still here?_ The awful part of his brain asks him things like this sometimes, and he has no answer. He exhausts himself every day, just so he doesn’t see them in his dreams. He used to long for the dreams of them, but it made waking up even worse. So now he doesn’t dream. 

When he sees Natasha, standing in the rainy street, he’s not sure she’s not a dream. But the rain on his skin and dripping on his neck is real. _She hasn’t erased her ledger yet. She wasn’t good enough to go._ That thought snaps something inside him, and he’s surprised by the swell of hatred he feels for himself for even thinking that. _Maybe I’m even less redeemable than Natasha._ But Natasha is offering him a different way, like he once offered her. It’s the same and it’s different. They’re both still hurting, like they were years ago, but they’ve made it through previous hurts and come out stronger. Together. 

He has nothing left to lose that he hadn’t already thought lost, and he has everything to gain. So Clint follows her.

But it turns out he does have something to lose. That as much as they might seem to be two halves of a whole, they're still two individuals. That they can be separated. It isn’t fair. None of this is. They’re going to bring back everyone they lost. Everyone gets to come back. Except her.

He’d hoped, desperately, that maybe choosing to jump made a difference. That the universe had a sense of justice. But the universe doesn’t care. It never has.

Some small, horrible part of himself is whispering that this is Nat’s redemption. That not only does this wipe out all of the red in her ledger, it destroys the ledger altogether. But this isn’t a movie, and there’s no need for some grand sacrifice to be forgiven. There’s no one who needs to forgive Natasha but herself, because the universe doesn’t care. If it did, Natasha wouldn’t be dead.

But she is. She’s gone. It’s done, and she chose to trade herself for Laura and the kids and everyone else who was lost. Clint can’t ask himself if it was worth it, because he was willing to trade himself, too, and subject Natasha and the rest of his family to this pain.

He stands by Wanda now, and thinks that they understand each other better. Her Pietro, his Natasha, both gone but always there. She smiles and they lean against each other while they look out at the water. They might only be halves of a whole, but even broken things can survive. The universe may not care, but there are plenty of people in it who do.

**Author's Note:**

> I've literally never written for any Marvel fandom before, but Endgame left me with a lot of emotions. Let me know what you think.


End file.
